A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink."Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Q:What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Q: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
A: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Q:What is defference between man and Superman?
A:Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house! 
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Student: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Student: Good, because i didn't do my homework.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q:Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A:Professional courtesy.
Q:What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A:Not enough sand.
Q:Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A:Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A man is talking to God.The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
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